It is hard to imagine a more difficult transition for a child than to be a party to his or her parents’ divorce. And even through attempts at reconciliation through family counseling, the children do suffer. There are tools to help you and your family cope that should be used throughout the process

Why are Children Impacted by Divorce?

Some fathers and mothers see divorce as “their” issue. “We just can’t get along anymore” or “She has been unfaithful.” In fact, the marital relationship has far reaching ramifications for children, extended to families, friends and others. The following are some perspectives on the view of children in a divorcing family:

• Fear of Change:
  The children in a divorcing family know that nothing will ever be the same again, and their previously secure world is in a state of change. Many things will change, not just that mother or dad will not be around. They may lost contact with extended family on one side or the other. Their bedtime, mealtime and after school routines may change. It is a state of upheaval.
• Fear of Being Abandoned:
  When mom and dad are at odds and are either separated or considering separation, children have a realistic fear that if they lose one parent, they may lose the other. The concept of being alone in the world is a very frightening thing for a child.
• Losing Attachment:
  Children who have a natural attachment for their parents also fear losing other secure relationships like friends, pets, siblings, neighbors, and so on. Sometimes children are simply attached to their surroundings, and moving into new surroundings can cause an understandable negative reaction.
• Coping with Parental Tension:
  Even though many divorces follow years of tension between husband and wife, the tension level typically increases during and shortly after a divorce. And parents who try to turn their children against the other spouse create an absolutely impossible situation for that child.

What to tell your kids

When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing significantly before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news.

• Tell the truth:
  Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.”
• Say “I love you.”
  However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework.
• Address changes:
  Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things won’t. Let them know that you can together deal with each detail as you go.
• Present a united front:
  As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it.
• Plan your conversations:
  Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.
• Show restraint:
  Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.
  
  
• Set the record straight:
  Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help.
• Be patient:
  Kids may seem to “get it” one day and be unsure the next. Treat your child’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience.
• Reassure:
  As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce.
• Listen:
  Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected.
• Help them find words for their feelings:
  It’s normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.
• Let them be honest:
  Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren’t able to share it, they will have a harder time working through it.
• Acknowledge their feelings:
  You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand.

What I need from my mom and dad: A child’s list of wants

• I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
• Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
• I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
• Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth.
• When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
• Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

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